Stuck, Tired, and Overwhelmed? Here’s Why You Can’t Name What You Want (and How to Start)

Do you ever freeze when someone asks, “What do you want?”

Maybe you know you want to feel better—less tired, less frazzled, more engaged—but the moment you’re put on the spot, your mind goes blank 😳.

Do you beat yourself up for not having an answer? Maybe you find it’s easier to just change the subject, or reply ‘I’m FINE.’ 😬

Sound familar, you’re not alone— (and you’re not broken!).

When You Don’t Know What You Want

For many ‘high functioning’ midlife women (women who keep the wheels turning—for their families, their work, their people), this kind of ‘vague-out’ response under pressure isn’t new.

What’s different now (and perhaps why you’re reading this) is because that response is becoming impossible to ignore.

I’m guessing you’re the one others lean on. The one who keeps things running.

You’ve done the therapy, read the books, taken the courses. You’ve built a life that works on the outside—but inside, something feels off. 😕

You’re tired of pushing through. You want to feel sturdy, joyful, and engaged with your life and to what really matters to you…

But instead, here’s what your days might look like:

• Saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing someone.

• Saying “no” to offers of support, because you don’t want to be a burden—or honestly don’t even know what kind of support would help.

• Always giving, never receiving—because tuning into your own needs feels hard, maybe even disorienting.

• Getting overwhelmed by choices, defaulting to “go with the flow,” and walking away with dissatisfaction and irritation.

My dear woman… it’s not just you.

Western culture celebrates women who are agreeable, productive, and generous with their time and energy.

But what drives our behavior is more than just surface level cultural conditioning, it’s a tangled web (think chaos theory) and the ‘why’ for each woman will be nuanced and

complex.

However - at the most basic of levels - having the capacity to know what you want (and why it can be so hard) is rooted in survival strategies.

It starts early.

Many of us learned that keeping the peace was the surest way to stay connected.We became hyper-attuned to others’ moods, scanning for any sign of disappointment or disapproval.

We learned to manage the emotional climate around us —smile and say yes—because our nervous systems were wired to preserve attachment at all costs. ⛈️🧐

When connection felt fragile, we pushed our own needs to the bottom of the pile to keep the ‘vibe’ harmonious.

Over time, that harmony came at a cost: we lost touch with what we wanted.

Not because we’re broken, but because we didn’t have access to an environment where we were encouraged to learn how to ask for what we want.

Maybe early on you got the message that expressing a need led to rejection, rupture, or shame.

Maybe the adults around you didn’t know how to respond when you asked for something.

That clever nervous system of yours adapted - Instead of asking, you anticipated. You adjusted. You figured out what others needed and became AMAZING at giving it.

But here’s the clanger - you missed out on two essential forms of practice:

1. Tuning in—to notice what you want.

2. Asking—to express that want, and stay steady, even if the answer is no.

So it makes complete sense that when someone asks, “What do you want?” — you freeze.

Because it’s not just a question.

It touches every moment you tucked your needs away to preserve connection.

You know what’s awesome? it’s not too late to learn how!It’s not too late to learn how to hold your needs as equal to, not more or less than other people’s needs (yes including your kids and your partner).

This isn’t an act of defiance, it’s a step towards your own sturdiness and capacity.

Here’s what I’ve learnt so far: when you begin to reconnect to what you want—and feel robust enough to name it—everything begins to shift.

You stop abandoning yourself in tiny daily ways.You feel clearer, more steady.You begin to feel energised by your own life again.

Let’s get into the nitty gritty on why it can feel so hard to answer the question, “What do you want?”— especially when you’ve spent years prioritising others, pushing through, or managing the emotional weather in the room.

In this post, you’ll learn three practical strategies that can help you begin rebuilding your capacity to ‘feel into’ what you want, to name it with steadiness, and feel sturdy despite the response or outcome.

Here we go...

1. Begin to Notice What’s Blueprint… and What’s Imprint

One of the biggest reasons it’s hard to know what we truly want?

We’re often making choices from places that don’t actually belong to us.

Let’s look at this through the lens of blueprint vs. imprint - a framework that helps you sort through what thoughts and behaviours are inherently yours, and which were shaped by habit, survival, or someone else’s expectations.

In a nutshell…

🌀 Your blueprint is your original spark— It’s the way you naturally engaged with the world before anyone told you who to be.

Think of the kid who loved to sing at the top of her lungs, who got lost in time drawing, writing, dancing, making potions, the one who couldn’t stop asking questions or building cubbies in the living room.

Your blueprint isn’t about being productive or impressive.

It’s what makes you feel energised and willing to engage in life.

🌫️ Your imprint is everything layered on top.

These are the behaviors, beliefs, and strategies you developed to stay safe, loved, accepted, or simply make it through.

Imprints can come from family, culture, religion, school, trauma—or from subtle, well-intentioned messages like, “Don’t get too big for your boots honey,” “Just tone it down a little,” or “You should really, think before you speak.”

Imprints aren’t bad, they are survival strategies. They are adaptations to your circumstances.

But when your life becomes entirely shaped by imprint—without any check-in with your blueprint— we inevitably develop behaviours to ‘manage’ the feelings.

We scroll, we sleep, we binge shows, we eat, we overwork, we over-exercise - we do anything we can to give our nervous system a break! 🥹

Believe it or not, there is immense body wisdom functioning here and driving those behaviours!

The trouble is, this way of coping isn’t getting you closer to the way you want to feel.

It’s putting you to sleep 😴 - giving you temporary relief - until you wake up the painful feelings are still there. 🫣

Here’s how this imprint / blue print tussle might show up:

• You’re always the reliable one—because your role in the family was to keep the peace. People love you for it (imprint). But you find yourself secretly craving rest, freedom, or space to ‘not be needed’ for a while (blueprint).

• You choose the safe job, the sensible plan, the path that pleases everyone ‘oh finally we don’t need to worry about her’ they say —because you learned early that approval meant safety (imprint). But something inside you is saying ‘I need more, I want to love what I do not just endure it’. (blueprint).

• You feel listless, restless, or quietly sad for no obvious reason. You’re doing everything “right,” but life still feels flat. That’s often a sign that your blueprint has gone underground.

Did I just get a little too Woowoo for you? …Hold up - Real Science Alert!

The idea of blueprint vs. imprint might sound a bit abstract—but it’s actually backed by a body of research in neuroscience, psychology, and developmental theory.

Let’s break it down:

🧠 Imprinting in Psychology Back in the 1930s, ethologist Konrad Lorenz coined the term “imprinting” to describe how certain patterns—especially those formed during critical early experiences—get wired into behavior.

The way we attach, respond to stress, and make decisions is shaped by early life experiences.

These patterns often run on autopilot!!! —not because we’re broken, but because they were built into our nervous systems at a time when connection meant survival.

🧠 Limbic Imprinting Our limbic system, which governs emotion and memory, is particularly sensitive during prenatal and early postnatal development.

That means experiences like not being comforted when we cried, being shamed for expressing needs, or having to constantly read the emotional temperature in the room, all leave a kind of emotional “imprint.”

As adults, we might not remember the events—but our bodies do. So something as simple as expressing a preference or asking for help can feel strangely risky.

That’s not drama. That’s a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do: keep the peace and avoid rupture.

Why Does All This Matter?

When you start noticing the difference between blueprint and imprint, it’s like the noise in your head lowers. You begin to feel clearer not just in your thoughts, but in your whole body.

You become instinctive with decision making and all that over-thinking, over-planning and over-doing, drops away. 🥳

This isn’t about blowing up your life.

It’s about learning to notice —so you can start choosing from a sturdy place, not reacting on autopilot.

How to Begin Exploring Your Blueprint and Imprint

If you’re keen to start pulling apart the tangle — and suss out which threads reflect your original spark and which are the learned survival strategies — there are simple ways to tune in.

🖋️ Try using writing promptsIf you can, cast your mind back to childhood.

What brought you joy as a child—before life got complicated or performance became the norm?

Let memory, imagination, and sensory details guide you.

What did you lose time doing? What did you find yourself engrossed in?

🌀 Notice your body's response to thingsNotice what shows up in your body when you need to make a decision or if you’re asked a question.

Does it bring tightness, lightness, dread, or warmth? Your body speaks before your mind catches up.

This kind of somatic noticing helps you to map your patterns and pattern awareness is the first crucial step in helping you reorganise the impact of your imprints.

It’s also the fastest way to know what animates you, and brings you to life! Woohoo!

✨ Reflect on the “shoulds”Make a list of the things you do because you think you should.

Then ask yourself: Where did this come from? Whose voice is this? Do I actually want it?

These simple questions can begin to distinguish obligation from desire.

And here’s what often happens:

You begin to notice, “Oh… this choice I keep making…that’s not actually mine.”That moment of clarity opens a new door.

Because once you can feel the difference between what was shaped by circumstance and what genuinely brings you alive—you’re no longer stuck repeating someone else’s story.

You’re free to begin writing your own.

2. Start Small (Really Small)

When you're feeling burnt out or overwhelmed, even contemplating what you want can seem daunting.

If you've ever set an ambitious goal only to abandon it shortly after, you're not alone.

The issue isn't a lack of willpower; it's often that your system is overwhelmed—not unwilling.

The Power of Small Steps

Instead of aiming for significant changes that can trigger a stress response, consider taking tiny, manageable steps:

• 5- 10 minutes of an activity you enjoy after dinner

• A short walk around the block.

• Saying, “Actually, I’m not sure yet” when asked to make a decision.

These small actions might seem insignificant, but they're powerful.

They register as subtle in your nervous system and help build self-trust.

Not overextending on how much or how long you do something generally means you’ll come back for more… Know what means…?

You keep showing up and doing it!

Why Small Steps Work (and Stick)

When it comes to real, lasting change—especially the kind that involves how we think, feel, and behave—smaller is better.

Not because big changes are bad, but because our nervous systems need time and capacity to adapt.

If a change feels too big, too fast, or too unfamiliar, our system may interpret it as a threat and pull us back into old habits. That’s not failure—it’s protection. Your body is so clever!

Dr. Dan Siegel, in his book Mindsight, explains that change happens through focused attention and gentle awareness.

When we bring mindful attention to our inner world—without judgment—we begin to re-shape neural pathways. Over time, these new pathways can support different emotional responses, new habits, and more integrated decision-making.

But the key is repetition and safety.

Small, consistent shifts are more likely to be absorbed and retained by the brain than one-off breakthroughs.

Marian Dunlea, in her work BodyDreaming, echoes this by showing how our nervous systems hold deep patterns shaped by early experience and trauma.

When we approach change through the body, using small, manageable steps—what somatic practitioners call titration—we avoid overwhelm and instead build capacity.

We gradually rewire the system in a way it can actually hold.

Both Siegel and Dunlea remind us: when we try to override our biology with big pushes, we often end up reinforcing the very patterns we’re trying to change.

Urrrrrrgh. 🙄

But when we go slowly, with intention and respect for the body’s pace, we create change that lasts—because it’s been given space to become integrated.

So if you’re someone who’s tired of all-or-nothing thinking, or who’s swung between burnout and ambition, consider this the exit strategy for the habit of ‘going big’:

Start tiny. Go slow. Your system will thank you.

How to apply this In Real Life

In my Signature Course Everyday Rebellion: Small Habits, Big Shifts, for Real Women, we don’t push for massive overhauls or perfection.

We focus on building the kind of inner capacity that allows real change to integrate—without burning out in the process.

Here’s how we approach it:

💡 Learn to Spot Overwhelm EarlyI help you get curious about the early signs that your system is tipping into shutdown or overdrive (because you’re going big or taking an all or nothing approach!).

Spotting it early helps you to pause, reassess (am I trying to do too much too soon?), and meet yourself with care instead of pushing through.

Try this: Think of 2 - 3 times in the last 12 months you made a decision to change something in your life (and stumbled). What happened? Describe it objectively, as if you were outside looking in. What does your inner voice say or sound like when you’re making these plans? Can you see a pattern?

🔥 Choose Habits That Feel Animating, Not DrainingWe explore what energises you in small, sustainable ways.

These aren't habits you “should” do—they’re ones your body actually enjoys and wants to return to, even on tougher days.

Try this: Ask yourself, What feels good for 2, 5, or 10 minutes? Walking, music, movement, washing your face, humming. Let that be enough.

🌱 Celebrate Small Wins (They Matter)Tiny shifts are not just stepping stones—they’re the whole point.

We make space to notice and celebrate the micro-moments of choosing yourself. That’s how self trust is built.

Try this: At the end of your day, name one thing you did that supported you. Write it down. Hold that feeling for a moment, of what it was like when you did that thing that supported you. Let it count.

This is how we begin to move from coping to capacity.From surviving to something that feels more ‘at home’, like you.

You don’t need to wait until life calms down, is less chaotic or you’re ‘more organised’.

We both know that’s not how life rolls - there’s always another curve ball.

You can begin now— in teeny tiny ways.

3. Feelings First, Then Action

Most self-help and productivity models start with the question: “What do you want to do?”

It’s a question that assumes the mind is always the best place to begin. Hmmm 🤔

But for many women—especially those navigating burnout, emotional depletion, or overwhelm—that question can feel like pressure. Like a test you’re already failing.

That’s why I like to flip the script:And begin with “How do you want to feel?”

Because when you start with feeling, you connect to your internal compass.

Not a list of external goals. Not someone else’s idea of success. But the emotional tone your body is longing for.

Why This Matters

Your body already knows the feeling of yes.

• The expansiveness that comes when you step into a challenge that feels scary-good.

• The delight that fizzes when things peak your interest.

• The opening in your chest and lungs when you’re relaxed and ready to welcome support.

When you identify how you want to feel—whether it’s strong, steady, playful, vibrant—you can begin to build your habits and choices around that emotional landscape.

This isn’t about chasing highs. It’s about restoring coherence between your mind and body, your inner world and outer actions.

Let’s say you want to feel strong.

For one woman, that might mean running sprints. For another, it’s feeding herself with nourishing foods. For someone else, it’s saying “no” to something that’s been draining her energy.

The action might change—but the intention remains the same: to support a feeling that brings you to life.

Giving The Body A Voice - The Neuroscience of Emotion-First Living

This feeling-first approach is deeply rooted in both somatic wisdom and neuroscience.

Dr. Antonio Damasio, a leading neuroscientist in the field of emotion and decision-making, has shown that emotions are essential for effective decision-making.

When the brain’s emotion-processing centers are damaged, people don’t struggle knowing what to do—they struggle with knowing what matters (to them).

This insight reinforces what many women intuitively know: when you’re disconnected from how you feel, it’s hard to choose with clarity.

Why This Is Especially Important for Women

Women are often socialised to tune into everyone else’s needs first.

Over time, this can lead to internal numbing or confusion about what you actually feel.

Add to that hormonal fluctuations, shifting roles, and the cultural push toward over-functioning, and it’s no wonder so many women feel disconnected from their own bodies

Beginning with feeling helps re-spark that connection.

Try This: Let Feeling Lead the Way

Most habit advice starts with, “What do you want to do?”

But here’s a more powerful place to begin:How do you want to feel?

This simple question can become your compass—especially when your to-do list is long and your energy is low.

Here’s a practice you can try on your own:

🌀 Imagine Your Ideal- Day Set aside 10 minutes and imagine a day—not a perfect one, but one where you get to go at your own pace. Start and finish the day in bed and as you visualise that day, notice the details, who are you with, what’s the ‘feeling tone’ of the day, what’s the weather like, what are you doing or not doing.

🖋️ Capture Your Anchor Feelings Write down all the detail and then see if you can pick 2–3 of the anchor words that describe how you're most longing to feel right now. They reflect what your system is truly craving.

🧭 Let These Feelings Guide You Use your anchor words as a filter. When you're making choices or building new habits, ask:

• Does this bring me closer to how I want to feel?

• Does it support or stretch me in the direction I’m longing for?

These words are not goals to chase. They’re signals— helping you come back to yourself when life gets messy and loud and you can’t hear yourself think.

Over time, this simple practice becomes integrated, you don’t have to think so much, you just instinctively take action to move towards how you want to feel.

But wait are you thinking - couldn’t this just make me more impulsive and dopamine seeking??

Like I really WANT that glass of wine after I put the kids to bed!

The answer is Nope.

Because you’ve done the nervous system work. You’re not acting from old survival strategies, you are navigating from a robust nervous system.

It’s not to say this is a ‘cure all’ solution, you still might have that glass of wine.

But what I noticed and you will too - the more this work becomes integrated, the greater the felt sense of sturdy, joy and capacity (not just coping).

The greater the capacity the looser the grip of the behaviors that put us temporarily to sleep, that numb the experience of living.

An Everyday Revolution

This approach isn’t loud or flashy.I won’t promise overnight transformation or a checklist of hacks.

But it’s powerful.

Because when your habits are rooted in how you want to feel—not how you “should” perform—you begin to experience daily life as something that belongs to you again.

You show up differently.You speak with more clarity.You start to choose in ways that feel steady, grounded, and enlivening.

That’s not indulgent. That’s embodied living.

And it starts with one question: How do I want to feel today?

Maybe You’re Wondering…

“But what if I honestly don’t know how I want to feel?”

That’s completely okay. If you’ve spent years focusing on others or just surviving, it makes sense that your feelings might be buried. That’s why we begin with noticing. No pressure. No timeline. You’ll be surprised what begins to surface when you find even the smallest snippets of space.

“What if small habits don’t feel like enough?”

They might look unimpressive—but they’re mighty. Because they’re sustainable. They build trust. They work with your system, not against it.

“What if I always start strong and then give up?”

That’s not failure. It’s your body saying, “This is too much, too fast.” I help you learn the signals of shutdown before they derail you—so you can adjust with care, not collapse in shame.

“Is this just self-indulgent?”

Nope. Knowing what you want isn’t selfish—it’s clarity. And clarity allows for honest boundaries, real presence, and less resentment. This work doesn’t make you self-centered. It makes you self-connected.

Let’s Bring It All Together

So, what do you do when you don’t know what you want?

You notice.

You get curious - are your choices based on imprints or your blueprint.

You start with small steps that feel good.

You use how you want to feel as a compass.

And over time, you build the capacity to ask for what you need—and stay grounded in whatever comes back.

This is the work we do inside my course Everyday Rebellion.

It’s not about overhauling your life overnight. It’s about building self trust and capacity—habit by habit, choice by choice.

You can feel more clear, more sturdy, and more alive. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.

What To Do Next?

If this post resonated—if you’ve ever found yourself going blank when someone asks “What do you want?” or you’re tired of swinging between burnout and big promises you can’t sustain—then Everyday Rebellion: Small Habits. Big Shifts, For Real Women - was made for you.

This is where we take these ideas and turn them into living practices.

It’s where you learn how to build habits that feel generative and integrated, because they’re rooted in your body—not imposed on it.

✨ The next round opens in October.

👉 Read more and join the waitlist here to be the first to know when doors open—and get early access.

But maybe you want to tread lightly? Even reading this article has raised some big feelings and you’re not sure you’re ready to go there. I trust you, you really do know what’s right for you, for right now.

👉 If want to stay close (but not too close 😂😂😂) sign up for the email list here I share real, nervous-system-friendly support for women building lives that feel like home.

Your capacity is coming.

Big love, Vive